Well Brian, I don't know what happened or what you did, but I woke up this morning with this strong feeling that the time has come. The past 6 months have totally changed who I've become. The fun loving, easy to get along with Ashley has disappeared. I honestly think she died that day with you. Brian, I love you more than I can say. Honestly I can say at this point, I lost the love of my life, my soul mate. You aren't gone, you're with me every day and I know where I can be with you. Yesterday in the temple you were with us. I didn't want to leave, but in the end. You'll never physically be with me. I can't live my life being a miserable and angry person. We all know that it'll end in misery and I can't have that. In the end, my main goal is to be able to spend eternity with you. That's I plan to do. I LOVE YOU BRIAN!!! This life definitely isn't the same without you. I'll defend you until the end.

It's Christmas Eve, and I can't wait for the holidays to be over with. They just aren't the same without your beautiful face here to share it with. It still doesn't seem real and it's never going to be fair. I was robbed of my world and that was you. We had so much planned for our future and I sit here wondering how i'm going to accomplish that without you. How'd we get here beef? I thought we were so happy. All the videos I see and the pictures you were so happy and full of life. I miss your presence. You made me want to be a better person and now I'm angry.

My Christmas wish is to be able to see you again. I'd love to be in your arms for as long as I can. I know that what I'm asking is impossible, but hey a girl and dream can't she. I recorded your voice onto my ipod the other day and Now I can't stop listening to it. Your voice calms me. I also got our video camera working and i can't tell you how many times I watched our first christmas together. I wish that I can sleep through tomorrow and miss everything.

I'm alone beef, people are slowly separating themselves from me, but I guess that shows true feelings. Everything I needed in this world is gone so I guess It's all up to me to figure out new goals. I'm still very much in love with you and Can't wait to be in your arms once more.

:'(

Baby... I miss you and wish that you were still here by my side. I was looking at pictures of you tonight and it made me miss you even more. I'm a totally different person without you. Apparently i'm more angry and emotional. I'm mad at you most of the time and the rest i'm just mad at my self. I'm mad that I don't get to spend time with you anymore. I'm mad that we missed out on all of our hopes and dreams. Most of all, I'm mad that I wont get to share my life with you and experience things with you. You're my everything, my life revolved around you. So being without you, where does that leave my life. I'm stuck in this awful rut that I don't know how to get out of. How'd you get me out of it? You seemed to be the only person who could calm me down in an instant. The one person who loved me no matter what. The only person who didn't judge me when I made a mistake. I thank heavenly father everyday for blessing me with you. I'm the luckiest girl alive because I'm your wife, well now your widow. You were and still are my pride and joy. I'm so proud of the life you lived. You were the smartest person I know. You loved learning new topics and researching to find more information. You made me a better person just by your presence. I LOVE YOU and can't wait to see you again. Beef, please be with me and watch over me. These next few weeks are going to be super hard. I believe that you being with me will make them better. Love you again and may gad be with you 'til we meet again.

This sucks

Hey baby... I'm sitting in my room after a long day of celebrating halloween with my family and I'm missing you so much. I remember how much you hated halloween. I wish that I could be cuddling with you on the couch watching a movie right now. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and just wish that it wouldn't change so frequently. Was I always like this? Baby.. You'd be so proud of Joe. He's engaged to a wonderful girl and he's grown up so much. I know you're smiling down upon him.

I was thinking last night about how it took something so horrible to happen for people to wake up and change what they were doing. I feel like I lost everything and now people are gaining from it. Everyone is being blessed and I feel as if i'm being tortured. Beef, I just wanna go somewhere far from here so i don't have to be constantly reminded of what happened. I miss you. Words can't describe what i'm going through.

I'm tired of blaming myself for all that happened. I wish that I could just know why it happened. I wish it was a sick nightmare and that in the morning i'll wake up and see you're beautiful face smiling at me. None of this is probably making sense. I've been all over the place lately. I'm gonna go. I LOVE YOU and please, please, please visit me in my dreams tonight. I'd love to see you. Night Baby.

Rough Day today...

Hey baby... Today was a rough day. I went through all the emotions today and I have to apologize, but today was the first day I remember being mad at you for all that has happened. I hate that you left me here on this earth alone. I hate that I have to wait to tell you I love you again, but most of all I hate being mad at you. I know it wasn't your fault. I just second guess or blame my self for everything that happened. I wish that I could've been a better wife to you. I absolutely miss taking care of you and loving you for no reason at all. I've been sick for the past week and I miss you being here to take care of me and making sure that I was taking care of myself. I feel helpless... so helpless without you. When you were here I knew what i wanted in life, but without you I don't any of that anymore because you aren't here to share it with. I told my parents and brandi last sunday that I don't care to meet anyone else or have a family with anyone else because it'll never be with YOU. I know that you told me that you wanted me to re marry if anything ever happened, but I'm not sure I could ever handle a situation like that. He'd have to live up to everything you were and I'm not sure anyone ever will live up to how you treated me. Baby... I'm scared. I feel you less and less everyday and I HATE THIS. It isn't fair.... I didn't have you long enough.

I was blessed enough to receive my patriarchal blessing last sunday and I wanna share this one thing with you. It brought me great comfort when I was told that the angels of heaven have been attending me in my hours of need. When i heard that, I broke down in tears because I finally knew that you were with me this whole time. I hope that you continue to be with me and watch over me. I love you with all my heart and I hope you felt the same way. I really could use your love right now. So anyway that you can send some vibes from the other side would be great. Oh... We went to your favorite fish farm today... Brandi and I were talking about it and I started crying... at Weinerschnitzel. We talked about the first time we went there together. We had just gone and picked out your wedding ring at Morgan Jewelers in Layton. We all decided to go "fishing" so we headed to Ogden. I remember when we got there, i caught a fish, but wouldn't touch it. So you came to my rescue :). You took the hook out of it's mouth and put it in the bucket for me. You were always there when I needed you beef. Always by my side through thick and thin. I hope that, even though I can't see you, you'll continue to be by my side. I'll always love you and I can't wait to be with you again. Goodnight my love and may I see you in my dreams.

HAPPY 2nd ANNIVERSARY!!!

Happy Anniversary Beef!! I can't believe it's been 2 years since we started our little family. I know it was just us and that we weren't blessed with little ones, but you're still and always will be my family. This morning I woke up early and drove to where it all started, the Salt Lake Temple, and sat in the Celestial room. I love the peace and comforting feeling I receive when I sit in that room and shut my eyes. I replayed our time we spent 2 years ago in that very same room. All the little things about that day.... such as the couch we sat on as we waited to be sealed, losing the back of my earring in the celestial room, and being so nervous about being sealed. Most of all I remember you being next to me and calming my nerves. Everything about that day I'll cherish until I see you again. I miss not being able to celebrate with you and getting to spend another 50 + years on this earth with you. I know that we're together forever, but this short wait is breaking my heart. You're my strength in this messed up world and without your physical presence I feel weak. I've loved you since I first saw you when i was 14 and you were getting ready to leave on your mission. We were destined to be together it sucks that it took us 8 years to find each other again, but these past two years have been the best years of my life and it's all thanks to you. You made me a better person because of the type of man you are. I'll never find another man like you beef, you truly were the greatest and everyone could learn something from you. May you continue to shine down upon me, protect and guide me to where I need to be, so we can be together again. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

I miss you...

Hey babe.... Today was my last day visiting a counselor about what has happened. She says that I'm doing very well and that she doesn't think she'll need to see me again. I talked to her about the funeral and the emotions I'm going through, which she told me all of the emotions are very natural. She told me something important that I need to remember. She described the healing process as a mansion with a ton of rooms. Everyday I'm going to open a door to a new room and I need to embrace whatever is in that room. Another good thing I picked up was that I'll be ready to stop grieving whenever I'm ready and not a minute sooner. The grieving process is something that shouldn't be rushed and I feel like some people are trying to rush me back to normal life. It just feels as if some people just can't let you rest in peace. She also agreed with me that my life will not be the same because of what happened. I'm needing to take a good look at who I am, what I want to do long term and then proceed from there.  I've learned to deal with the outcome and know that I can't change anything that has happened. I know that you're in a better place and that you feel no pain. It comforts me to know those things because you're in a better place then I am. Even though you're physically not here next to me, I feel your presence from time to time. I've got a picture in my room from Chelsea. It's the most beautiful picture of us that I have. The photographer wasn't taking pictures and Chelsea took the perfect opportunity to take one. We look so happy babe... I know that you love me and that you loved me here on earth. I love you with all my heart and no one can take that away from us. I miss holding your hand while I drive, I miss hearing your heartbeat, and most of all I miss hearing your beautiful voice saying that everything was going to be alright. You were the best husband a girl could ask for. I love you Baby.